We are all sick at the moment with the flu. Sitting around (trying to recover) is giving me time to think and analyse things. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes its not so much.
I don’t often have a lot of time to think. I work full time and have this illness that leaves me pretty much exhausted each day. So having the time and energy to think at the moment (while on holidays) is a bit of a luxury.
I feel pretty awful (physically), to the point where its hard to gather my thoughts and make sense of them, but i still want to try to use this time to do that.
Basically, the ‘gist’ of it all, is that I feel like life has been operating at half-speed. I feel like my husband, son and I can achieve so much more and get so much more from each day, with some tweaks to the way we manage our time and what we prioritise. I feel like we don’t have to live this ‘half life’ – we also don’t have to live this ‘full on life’ but we could land somewhere in the middle, and that might be nice.
I know we are capable of big things. We lived our life against the grain for many years – working and saving then travelling for six + months of every year. None of our peers did that. It was unique and daring, to live that way. We don’t live that way anymore, but we did it and we know we are capable of going against the norm.
Thats not what I want to do next. We have done that. its time to set up a future for ourselves some financial security, prepare our son for when he is thrust out into the world on his own. those are our priorities now. The people we are, will be forever shaped by those travel years, but the way we must live now is different.
So i want to make the most of the path we are on now. I want to set ourselves up, set our son up, with the tools we need to not ‘have more’ but to make the most of what we have. To see and grasp opportunities. To soak up all the moments in a day. To thrive, not just survive. I don’t like the way my family is weary, because I am weary. My disease has rubbed off on them. They are slow and lethargic and unmotivated. I hate it, because my mind does not feel that way. just my body. I hate that they use me as a reason to hold back, to not thrive, to not run in the direction of their dreams.
i don’t have the solution to that. I just want to figure out how to fix it, how to help them feel more motivated and alive, despite my own limited energy. I try to lead by example – always pushing myself, but its not enough. The second there is an opportunity to retreat, they take it. I don’t have the energy to dictate two other peoples entire lives, to champion for them, to seek opportunities for them. I want them to want it. I want my husband to lead the way for our son, instead of using my limitations as as reason to retreat.
I think this will take a lot of thought, a lot of conversation and an increased understanding of each other and ourselves.
Maybe I need to accept that they don’t feel the way I do. Its not that their bodies hold them back. Its not that I am their excuse for holding back. Maybe they just don’t feel like they are missing out, don’t long for more energy and opportunity. Its perfectly reasonable to think that not everyone feels the same. Maybe they are content with life as it is? I cant force them to live bigger, just because I am limited and can see how shitty the opposite end of the spectrum can be.
I feel no clearer on it all. But sometimes it feels better just to extract the thoughts from your head and put them somewhere you can look at them from outside.