Desperation.

desperation
dɛspəˈreɪʃn/
noun
a state of despair, typically one which results in rash or extreme behaviour.
It is safe to say that I am desperate.
I have been attempting to treat this Rheumatoid Arthritis for 3 years now. It has been a roller coaster (one that has gone off its tracks, burst into flames and soared through the sky, smashing into the pieces in impact with the ground). I have tried many medications. I have cut meat from my diet (almost ten months of vegetarianism now). At one stage I lost 25 kilograms (but i gained it back). I tried natural supplements. I tried exercise. I tried listening to my doctor. I tried not working, then when that made me miserable I changed to a new non-physical career. I tried less activity, more activity, no activity. I tried counselling. I tried painkillers.
I can honestly say, I am still where I was three years ago when this all started. Only a little more disillusioned and a lot less hopeful.
I had to stop my medication in November 2017. I was on Arava and it was working. For the first time a med was working and I went to my specialist ready to double the dose, to get to the proper dose. I knew that would end my lingering pain and my life would be amazing from that point forth. Only, my specialist told me, like all the meds before it, Arava was much too severely affecting my liver and I needed to stop taking it immediately, and would not be able to take it ever again.
After that I took nothing for a few weeks, then gave in and sporadically took some prednisone. Once I started getting sick for weeks, and weeks in a row, I had to ditch the prednisone too.
Here I am, at the end of January 2018, three months later. I skipped my specialist appointment last week and I am instead choosing to bury my head in the sand for a while and pretend I am not unwell. Yet suddenly I cant get out of bed n the mornings and I ache all day and all night in joints I had completely forgotten about. Its like that quote from that john Green novel:
“Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt”.
Yes, it demands.
So all I can think of, that I have not yet tried but have constantly been told by other sufferers to try – is veganism.
I am desperate. Last time I got desperate, I gave up meat. Desperation is powerful. Feeling like there are no options left, can push you into things you never ever thought you were capable of (both negative and positive things). But thats where I am, complete and utter desperation.
I am going to try the depravation that is veganism and if it does not work, if I do not become well, or ‘better’ (what a word THAT is), then…. well I really dont know what comes after that.
I am going to delay my specialist appointment for as long as possible. In the meantime I am going to cut everything from my diet. All animal productions. I am going to attempt to stop eating pasta and breads too.
More fruit, veg, nuts.
This is it, the last chance, final attempt, last shot…..
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