This post follows on from this Instagram Post I put up this morning:
I had an awful day yesterday.
Overwhelm, tiredness, pain, it all set in and I couldn’t seem to wade through to the other side.
I asked my husband, in the car after work, to help me see what I am missing. Is there something that can ‘give’? Is there something I can let lack, in order to be able to do the remaining things better.
He said to me…
‘you want your life right now to change, without you actually having to give up or change anything’.
And he was right. Everything I brought up, simple tasks, difficult tasks, goals, priorities, was followed with the reasons why I can’t possibly drop that particular thing from my day.
I can’t figure out why I have myself convinced that I have to do and be and say and finish every. Single. Thing.
I am pushing myself too hard and I can see that there is more to life than quick accomplishments and constant productivity.
I don’t have all the Answers but the coming weeks will be spent wading through the crap I tell myself and trying to identify them.
That’s that problem. I do, I want my life to change, without removing or changing or giving up anything I currently have going. Right now I am overwhelmed because:
- I have a chronic disease (Rheumatoid Arthritis) which is currently untreated.
- I work full time in a 2IC position, running a team, in an industry I only became part of in February 2017. I am still learning the ropes and it can be challenging.
- I work overtime every day in order to collect “time in leu” from work to be able to attend a study day once a month on campus.
- I study part time (a 12 month leadership and management certification)
- I am a mother and a wife
- I have a “part time job” care-taking a property and four dogs in exchange for free rent and electricity (we live in our caravan – tiny home – on the property. This is at least 5-10 hours work a week and sometimes more. In an already full schedule.
- My family and I leave home at 6:30am each day and return home at 6-6:30pm each day. We have very little spare time on week days.
- We are on a very strict budget/financial plan that will see us debt free and on our way to saving a 20% house deposit, by December this year. Being on this strict plan means excessive amounts of home cooking/meal prepping all work/school lunches from scratch in order to save $. I love doing this but it is incredibly time consuming.
- We also have a new puppy to look after and another 2 new puppies on the property we caretake.
- On Monday nights we aren’t home until 8pm as our son does BMX.
So thats most of it. That doesn’t really show the way I wake up most days feeling so unwell, pained and exhausted from disease, all while trying to simultaneously achieve all those things. It doesn’t tell you about the days where my hands scream with pain of my hips grind in agony preventing me from moving faster than an agonising snails pace.
When I got sick, I decided me, my family and our goals would not be the “thing” that I set aside. I have focused on them to the point of exhaustion. I have refused to let them suffer. But now, the moment of truth has come and I don’t know that I can keep this up.
Over the coming weeks I will explore ways to make life easier for myself. I will attempt to achieve this without sacrificing too much, but when I am forced to admit that isn’t possible… i will document the process of accepting that. So stay tuned if you find yourself in a similar situation and want to watch the process.